As I continue to learn about and process what it means to live life with my particular flavor of ADHD, I find myself coming back to this here blogo as a good space into which I may regurgitate these thoughts.

Most on my mind of late has been the notion of “intrusive sleep.”

I honestly don’t know how official this particular symptom is, but having learned about it through an Instagram reel I am a little bit suspicious. However there seems to be some professional research done on the subject and it is a recorded phenomena, if not explicitly in the DSM.

Intrusive sleep is not narcolepsy, neither is it clinical fatigue or exhaustion. It’s a drowsy state of being in which the brain is so under (or over) stimulated that it starts to shut down as if falling asleep. Many people experience this as just plain old nodding off. For me, it’s caused me to worry about my health and even seek a sleep study. It’s just one of various “modes” I find myself in, and I wonder how many of these are a product of my nervous system and how many are just me being myself – and even what the difference is.

Sudden Brain-death

I choose to think of this incredibly drowsy state as brain-death and it often comes as a kind of hangover after a flurry of excitement and obsession. I start to feel so tired and I have little doubt that if I was able to curl up in a dark room I would go to sleep immediately. Caffeine does not help; it only makes me jumpy in addition to fatigued.

It’s just my brain trying have a bit of a lie down. It also sucks.

Brain Juice Tremors

Dopamine is something a buzz word these days and pop psychology only further dulls our response to the word. It’s slightly problematic, the way we kick the term around, but it’s a well documented fact that the issues experienced by AuDHDers stem from the brain either not producing enough dopamine or not directing it properly.

So when I hit that combo chain of input, in which my brainpan is soaked with happy juice, I naturally rejoice. I want it to keep going.

This is a typical human thing – we love the hype of the next thing like Christmas morning, but the ADHD brain is oftentimes objectively starving for it.

But all good things come to an end. The brain juice runs dry, or we’re just not pragmatically able to find the next thing to get our hit and the world bottoms out into a seeming void of nihilistic disgrace. Nothing is good and everything is annoying at best. I have seen the mountaintop and falling off it is properly annoying.

The Hunt for Red Orktober

The last one coming to mind is the good hold hunt. On perhaps a monthly basis, I become fixated on finding the perfect game. This is the game that is going to scratch every itch, satisfy every craving, and become my new obsession.

I’ve never found this game because it doesn’t exist.

Lemmy once said that the chase is better than the catch. I think he was talking about inappropriates stuff, but the concept holds: the exhilaration of anticipating the thing is often better than obtaining the thing. Reading about new games, seeing cool art and assets, gives my brain more happy juices than sitting down and actually playing the game. It’s not unlike buying a lotto ticket for the excitement rather than actually expecting to win anything.

All of this plays into dysfunction and it’s hard to accept that ADHD is a disability.